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It’s thepodcast!
The Dancing Bear Variety Hour is a comedy podcast comprised of sketches and the science fiction series, “The Adventures of the USS Carpathia in Outer Space.” Written and voiced by Scott Ross, Justin Wilson, Phil Garland, with additional voices by whoever we can strongarm into helping us. Season One of DBVH aired monthly on KJHK 90.7fm, Lawrence, KS in 2013-14. Season Two is in preproduction, but please stay tuned!
Here’s a checklist of today’s tasks still unfinished as of 11:06pm: graduation announcements, web pilot script, KJHK duties document, revise thesis for submission tomorrow. It goes on like that. While those are all important responsibilities to tend to, it seems I decided this evening should be spent making a new promo for Dancing Bear Variety Hour. And it’s awesome. Like the best radio work I’ve ever done. Or heard. And I just really wanted to share it with you. Behold:
If this is totally baffling to you, I’ve made this handy key based on increasing levels of generality. Stop when you see something you recognize:
AstroBase is the military organization of the USS Carpathia
Which is the science-fiction series featured on the Dancing Bear Variety Hour
Which is a radio comedy show and podcast I run
Because I’ve spent the last two years working at KJHK
Because I’m in an MFA program at KU
Because I’m a writer
And my name is Scott
You really don’t know me, do you?
Anyhow, I encourage everyone to download this, spread it around, and enlist in AstroBase today.
“As a space-going adventurer regularly described as both rugged and intrepid, I rarely have time for such frivolities as radio entertainment. Why listen to life when you can be living it, is my attitude! I can’t tell you who won the last Earth Idol, but I can tell you what it’s like to bed a Balkovaarian maiden under the purple moons, your hands still shaky from asteroid-field dogfights. But if you have to fritter away your time with popular entertainment, you might as well learn a little about the life you could be having. Go for it.”
– Commander Chaz Remmington, AstroBase Special Expeditionary Wing
The Adventures of the USS Carpathiain Outer Space!!
Episode 7: Space Files of a Private Dick, or, When I’m Gone Perry Me Deep
A shadowy hacker has crashed the Carpathia’s computer and James Perry, private detective is on the case! Trading his pilot’s cap for a weatherbeaten fedora, Perry prods the ship’s seamy underbelly in pursuit of the one thing it seems money can’t buy: the truth. Will the stalwart first officer solve the mystery in time to salvage the Captain’s trade negotiations? Where does Ollie’s vidya game fit in all this? Why did Korgath cancel yoga? And who the hell is Lorraine?
Scott Ross – Captain Jack Derby, Merchant Dhe’Zeen
Phil Garland – Lt. James Perry
Justin Wilson – Ensign Ollie Klozerhoff, Korgath, Mortimer the Robutler
Sara Leavens – Faye Chinsky
Sara Kennedy – Lorraine Bain, Computer
Ever ask what rap would be like if the lyrics were rewritten to be children’s songs? Of course you have! And we did it! This spiritual episode starts with New God Flow, to new age mental aggression, to the Old God Flow – meaning friendly religious fundamentalists from Kansas.
Everyone’s favorite radio personality, Peter Carson, returns to the Dancing Bear Variety Hour to promote his latest project: a collection of hip hop hits rerecorded with kid-friendly lyrics. Order today to enjoy classics like “In Da Tub” and “Must Be My Mommy”! (Scott Ross)
2. Psychic Frenemies Network
Everyone wants to believe that there’s something beyond this material life we lead – and the idea of receiving guidance from whatever mystic forces might be out there fascinates us. But sometimes that guidance is a little…bitchy. (Scott Ross)
3. Westboro Baptist Church Advertisement
DBVH originally hails from Lawrence, Kansas, a lovely college town just down the way from Westboro Baptist Church, famous for its acute hatred of… well basically everybody. But like Jesus probably once said, everyone deserves a second chance. So we decided to devote some airtime to helping WBC help improve their image! (Scott Ross)
“Was I excited to hear about a radio show based on Jack Derby and his boys? You betcha! The way I see it’s, any good press for AstroBase is fine by me. Oh sure, Derby might have ruffled a few feathers here and there by working outside regulations or unilaterally committing an occasional act of war. But we never made too much truck about that kinda stuff back on the salt flats of Minnesota. Truth is, the man can fight. And he’s no slouch on the bar stool either!”
– Rear Admiral Lucinda Nevers, Assistant Chief of Military Operations, AstroBase Third Fleet
The Adventures of the USS Carpathiain Outer Space!!
Episode 6: A.I.’m Not Okay (I Promise), or, With Apologies to Harlan Ellison
After receiving a hail from a planetary supercomputer, the Carpathia makes a stop at the run-down planet Bouniffalia. Eager to partake in alternative shore leave, Lt. Perry sets about building walls for wall-less locals. After Faye and Korgath ditch him for the planet’s volcanic spas, he teams up with a suspicious missionary from ReligiCorp. Meanwhile Ollie and Capt. Derby evaluate the artificial intelligence for personhood – though they’re more interested in assailing it with their personal beliefs.
Scott Ross – Captain Jack Derby, Father Matheson
Phil Garland – Lt. James Perry
Justin Wilson – Ensign Ollie Klozerhoff, Korgath, Bouniffle Mayor
Sara Leavens – Engineer Faye Chinsky, Artie the A.I.
Dancing Bear Variety Hour is on the road this episode, with sketches about Detroit cops, wild boars from Los Angeles, the return of Chopper Claude as a New York tour guide, and the tallest buildings in Topeka, Kansas.
A city plagued by white collar crime and regulatory noncompliance run rampant. A good cop gunned down in his prime. An experimental technology capable of bringing him back as the perfect crime-citing machine. Logical. Tireless. Organized. He is: RoboDeskCop. (Phil Garland)
2. The Vault: The Great Los Angeles Boar Stampede
A new feature, THE VAULT trains its unflinching eye on events from the past often overlooked by the history books. In this inaugural edition, we present those fateful hours when the city of Los Angeles was briefly held hostage by a rampaging herd of wild boars. (Justin Wilson)
3. Tallest Building in Topeka Awards, March Edition
We skipped a couple of months there, but have no fear! The return of sketches means the return of our vaunted Tallest Building in Topeka Awards. I won’t give anything away, but this month’s winner is a real tall building!
4. Tour Guide Claude in New York
It seems that things haven’t worked out for our favorite French existentialist weather-copter reporter. Claude now finds himself pointing out the sights as a Big Apple tour guide – though what could be a more fitting monument to man’s absurd, transitory existence than the slavish worship of our commercial capital? (Phil Garland)
“I wasn’t thrilled about the proposal to make a radio series about the Carpathia. I thought, ‘Great. Another show exploiting some distorted notion of patriotism to glorify narratives of conquest and cultural domination.’ Then I realized that basically the only people who listen are my grandmother and her friends. So if this latest cynical play on the public’s simplistic worldview has one thing going for it, I guess it would be its complete irrelevance to any significant aspect of popular culture. Keep it up.”
– Ensign Oliver “Ollie” Klozerhoff, helmsman aboard the USS Carpathia
The Adventures of the USS Carpathiain Outer Space!!
Episode 5: When a Man Loves a Female Member of a Plant-like Alien Species, or, The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Menelaeans
The crew enjoys a layover on an orbiting casino, until a rowdy gang of Menelaeans burst in and accuse Derby of kidnapping their captain’s daughter! Determined to stop an ill-advised wedding, the rival captains team up and pursue the love-struck couple across a grand tour of Tallinor Prime’s most romantic locales. Meanwhile, Faye helps Korgath experience the human activity known as gambling.
Scott Ross – Captain Jack Derby, Gleek’ta Nur Finsal
Phil Garland – Lt. James Perry, Pelanixor Nim Finsal
Justin Wilson – Ollie, Korgath
Sara Leavens – Engineer Faye Chinsky
A pile of sketches that put familiar characters in unfamiliar situations, beginning with the shadowy union of cult TV and, well, cults. Also, a group of three stooges man a missile silo, a PSA from the new supervillain in town, and Khalid Sheik Mohammed is a sportscaster!
1. 197th Quarterly Meeting of the Sacred Whovian Order
A forty year-old British science fiction show that has its origins in laughably low-budget effects and ridiculous storylines, yet commands a near-religious devotion amongst its fans? Could this baffling phenomenon be explained by something sinister, perhaps even…. demonic? (Justin Wilson)
2. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Presents Sochi Winter Olympics With Khalid Sheikh Mohammed
Internationally-renowned religious extremist and “9-11 Mastermind” Khalid Sheikh Mohammed made waves recently by disseminating a manifesto from his cell at Guantanamo, but that’s not all he’s been up to! DBVH offers you exclusive access to his latest career turn. (Scott Ross)
3. Nuclear Stooges
The Cold War is over, but somebody still has to watch over our nation’s stockpiles of nuclear missiles. This heavy responsibility is not for everyone. It requires discipline, vigilance, and the foresight to hold your hand sideways in front of your face so you don’t get poked in the eyes. (Phil Garland)
4. Dangerpus Industries is Coming to Town!
Entertainment personality Peter Carson explains the implications of the new Dangerpus Industries Inc. facility opening in your neighborhood. Recently discovered in the Dangerpus Industries media vault buried six-hundred feet below an active volcano in Latvia. Pay no attention to the strange lights in the sky. (Scott Ross)
After returning to the Carpathia, Derby witnesses his crew’s LifeDay celebrations and the hardships caused by his selfishness. Stricken with grief and anger, Derby is presented one final vision – that of LifeDay future. The Grand Galactic Witnessinger shows Derby the terrible fate that awaits him if he does not change his arrogant ways. Having seen the importance that LifeDay holds to those around him, will Derby repent and in time?
Scott Ross – Captain Jack Derby
Phil Garland – Lt. James Perry, Grand Galactic Witnessinger
Justin Wilson – Ollie, Korgath, Hans
Sara Leavens – Engineer Faye Chinsky, The Judge
“When I accepted a commission on the Carpathia, I was the first Claamisian to ever serve in AstroBase, and I did so to better understand such human concepts as empathy, compassion, and tolerance. My decision was met on my home planet by my denunciation as a traitor and expulsion from the community of Claamisian warriors. In my culture, the only suitable response to such dishonor would be to immediately take my own life with a cermonial D’Khagg – but being stripped of my statehood, even this option is denied me. Today I am honored to provide an introduction for this radio program which serves as a permanent record of my eternal shame and isolation.”
– Peter Korgath, ship’s counselor aboard the USS Carpathia
The Adventures of the USS Carpathiain Outer Space!!
Episode 4: A Christmas Peril, or, The Greatest LifeDay Ever Told (Part 1)
Winner, Best Special Broadcast – Radio, College Broadcasters Inc 2014 Student Production Awards
It’s holiday season aboard the Carpathia, but Captain Derby is in no mood to celebrate. After cancelling LifeDay leaves for the entire crew and isolating himself in his quarters he is visited by the ghost (?) of Dr. Tobayashi, who warns him an emissary from a grand galactic race, is coming to teach him the true meaning of LifeDay. Upon arrival, the Grand Galactic Witnessinger presents Captain Derby with scenes of LifeDay past, showing him how he lost his holiday spirit and became the bitter, selfish man he is today.
Scott Ross – Captain Jack Derby
Phil Garland – Lt. James Perry, Grand Galactic Witnessinger
Justin Wilson – Ollie, Korgath, Chaz Remmington, Mr. Derby
Sara Leavens – Engineer Faye Chinsky, Deborah, Admiral Nevers, Mrs. Derby
“As an AstroBase engineer, my area of expertise lies in the hard sciences – I’m afraid I don’t know much about literature or the performing arts. However, I do avidly listen to interstellar radio broadcasts (classical artists such as Rick Springfield and Miley Cyrus are particular favorites) and I was flattered to learn that a radio dramatization of the Carpathia‘s travels was in the works. Having listened to the first several episodes I can say that despite the workmanlike production values and one-dimensional characterization, the writers of the series have presented a sufficiently accurate modicum of life aboard a starship. There are a few points on which I would like to” [character limit reached]
– Faye Chinsky, first engineer and Chief Science Officer of the USS Carpathia
The Adventures of the USS Carpathia in Outer Space!!
Episode 3: Reunited and it Feels so Awkward, or, Homeward Bound and Gagged
The crew of the Carpathia returns to AstroBase HQ in glamorous Colorado Springs. Lt. Perry attempts to reconcile with family, Captain Derby makes time for the night life, and Engineer Chinsky crosses paths with an old Academy classmate. Hard decisions must be made when Faye must choose between duty and friendship, Perry considers returning to the family farm, and Derby weighs the pros and cons of late checkout.
Scott Ross – Captain Jack Derby, Dr. Pierre Cromerrety, Randall Joseph Perry III Phil Garland – Lt. James Perry, Trisha Yeardsley Justin Wilson – Ollie, Korgath, Ma Perry Sara Leavens – Engineer Faye Chinsky
podcast!
