Sometimes I forget that part of the reason for maintaining a personal/creative website is telling people about the things I do. Well, this is today. Better late than never.
To elaborate, I’m writing a five-act play for my MFA Thesis. Tonight we’ll be reading the second act, in the desperate hope that it comes off as funny. The premise is a bunch of middle-aged men wearing loin-cloths and spouting Marxist slogans so if it isn’t, I have some serious reconsiderations to do.
“Was I excited to hear about a radio show based on Jack Derby and his boys? You betcha! The way I see it’s, any good press for AstroBase is fine by me. Oh sure, Derby might have ruffled a few feathers here and there by working outside regulations or unilaterally committing an occasional act of war. But we never made too much truck about that kinda stuff back on the salt flats of Minnesota. Truth is, the man can fight. And he’s no slouch on the bar stool either!”
– Rear Admiral Lucinda Nevers, Assistant Chief of Military Operations, AstroBase Third Fleet
The Adventures of the USS Carpathia in Outer Space!!
Episode 6: A.I.’m Not Okay (I Promise), or, With Apologies to Harlan Ellison
After receiving a hail from a planetary supercomputer, the Carpathia makes a stop at the run-down planet Bouniffalia. Eager to partake in alternative shore leave, Lt. Perry sets about building walls for wall-less locals. After Faye and Korgath ditch him for the planet’s volcanic spas, he teams up with a suspicious missionary from ReligiCorp. Meanwhile Ollie and Capt. Derby evaluate the artificial intelligence for personhood – though they’re more interested in assailing it with their personal beliefs.
Scott Ross – Captain Jack Derby, Father Matheson
Phil Garland – Lt. James Perry
Justin Wilson – Ensign Ollie Klozerhoff, Korgath, Bouniffle Mayor
Sara Leavens – Engineer Faye Chinsky, Artie the A.I.
Dancing Bear Variety Hour is on the road this episode, with sketches about Detroit cops, wild boars from Los Angeles, the return of Chopper Claude as a New York tour guide, and the tallest buildings in Topeka, Kansas.
1. RoboDeskCop
A city plagued by white collar crime and regulatory noncompliance run rampant. A good cop gunned down in his prime. An experimental technology capable of bringing him back as the perfect crime-citing machine. Logical. Tireless. Organized. He is: RoboDeskCop. (Phil Garland)
2. The Vault: The Great Los Angeles Boar Stampede
A new feature, THE VAULT trains its unflinching eye on events from the past often overlooked by the history books. In this inaugural edition, we present those fateful hours when the city of Los Angeles was briefly held hostage by a rampaging herd of wild boars. (Justin Wilson)
3. Tallest Building in Topeka Awards, March Edition
We skipped a couple of months there, but have no fear! The return of sketches means the return of our vaunted Tallest Building in Topeka Awards. I won’t give anything away, but this month’s winner is a real tall building!
4. Tour Guide Claude in New York
It seems that things haven’t worked out for our favorite French existentialist weather-copter reporter. Claude now finds himself pointing out the sights as a Big Apple tour guide – though what could be a more fitting monument to man’s absurd, transitory existence than the slavish worship of our commercial capital? (Phil Garland)
“I wasn’t thrilled about the proposal to make a radio series about the Carpathia. I thought, ‘Great. Another show exploiting some distorted notion of patriotism to glorify narratives of conquest and cultural domination.’ Then I realized that basically the only people who listen are my grandmother and her friends. So if this latest cynical play on the public’s simplistic worldview has one thing going for it, I guess it would be its complete irrelevance to any significant aspect of popular culture. Keep it up.”
– Ensign Oliver “Ollie” Klozerhoff, helmsman aboard the USS Carpathia
The Adventures of the USS Carpathia in Outer Space!!
Episode 5: When a Man Loves a Female Member of a Plant-like Alien Species, or, The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Menelaeans
The crew enjoys a layover on an orbiting casino, until a rowdy gang of Menelaeans burst in and accuse Derby of kidnapping their captain’s daughter! Determined to stop an ill-advised wedding, the rival captains team up and pursue the love-struck couple across a grand tour of Tallinor Prime’s most romantic locales. Meanwhile, Faye helps Korgath experience the human activity known as gambling.
Scott Ross – Captain Jack Derby, Gleek’ta Nur Finsal
Phil Garland – Lt. James Perry, Pelanixor Nim Finsal
Justin Wilson – Ollie, Korgath
Sara Leavens – Engineer Faye Chinsky
A pile of sketches that put familiar characters in unfamiliar situations, beginning with the shadowy union of cult TV and, well, cults. Also, a group of three stooges man a missile silo, a PSA from the new supervillain in town, and Khalid Sheik Mohammed is a sportscaster!
1. 197th Quarterly Meeting of the Sacred Whovian Order
A forty year-old British science fiction show that has its origins in laughably low-budget effects and ridiculous storylines, yet commands a near-religious devotion amongst its fans? Could this baffling phenomenon be explained by something sinister, perhaps even…. demonic? (Justin Wilson)
2. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Presents Sochi Winter Olympics With Khalid Sheikh Mohammed
Internationally-renowned religious extremist and “9-11 Mastermind” Khalid Sheikh Mohammed made waves recently by disseminating a manifesto from his cell at Guantanamo, but that’s not all he’s been up to! DBVH offers you exclusive access to his latest career turn. (Scott Ross)
3. Nuclear Stooges
The Cold War is over, but somebody still has to watch over our nation’s stockpiles of nuclear missiles. This heavy responsibility is not for everyone. It requires discipline, vigilance, and the foresight to hold your hand sideways in front of your face so you don’t get poked in the eyes. (Phil Garland)
4. Dangerpus Industries is Coming to Town!
Entertainment personality Peter Carson explains the implications of the new Dangerpus Industries Inc. facility opening in your neighborhood. Recently discovered in the Dangerpus Industries media vault buried six-hundred feet below an active volcano in Latvia. Pay no attention to the strange lights in the sky. (Scott Ross)